More presence, please.

As a mother, I have a tendency to experience guilt. I know it's common. As sure as you've seen a mother, you have seen a woman who second guesses herself, who compares herself to other mothers, who wonders how she can be more loving, more patient, more generous. As sure as you've seen a mother, you've seen a woman who experiences guilt. Regularly.

For me, it's all about time. How much time have I spent with my children today? If I'm not doing something for or with my children, I feel guilty. On a conscious level I know that it's ridiculous because, practically speaking, with four children under the age of five I am almost never not doing something for or with at least one of my children. And yet, under the covers of my subconscious mind, the monster named guilt hides, unseen but still felt. Whether I'm doing my chores, taking a break to read an article, spending time with Peter, or writing a piece for the blog, I hear them in the background playing and I hear myself thinking that I should be with them doing whatever they happen to be doing at that moment.

I'm sure, if I were ever psychoanalyzed, I would be told that it stems from my childhood. Neglected by my overwrought mother, left to my own imagination when no one would give me the attention I deserved, I want to give to my own kids all that I lacked as a child growing up with several siblings. Or, I'm simply egotistical and want to be everything for everyone. Especially for those whom I most dearly love.

Problem is, my guilt doesn't just beckon me, it nags at my husband, too. Why don't you go play with them? Take them outside, to the playground, the library. They want to spend time with you.

This weekend, Peter let me in on a bit of wisdom he learned from an Opus Dei priest. Children, he said, do not need to be entertained by their parents. In fact, it's detrimental to their formation to have parents that will drop everything at each whim and fancy of the children. What is most important to a child is that the parent is in the home, whether or not they are actively engaging the child in some activity or another. Sure, it's wonderful to spend time with the kids when you can, reading books, playing games, baking cookies. But what is most meaningful to them is that they know you are there. In other words, I need not be right next to my child to keep him from getting hurt, as long as I am around to comfort him if he does.

The security of presence is what matters.